They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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