He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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