You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
