I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
