In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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