I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
