Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
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I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
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I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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