i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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