I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
