we have officially lost it.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
why is half of my head shaved?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
