I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
