I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
