At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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