hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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