He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
