I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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