Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
