She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
