I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
