The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
