If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
