Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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