Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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