Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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