You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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