I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
