We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
