I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
