Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the day after is always just damage control
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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