Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
