So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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