mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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