I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize