True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
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I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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