So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
