On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
