She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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