Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
