So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
