one two three fourrrrnication!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
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I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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