I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
