remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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