i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
