is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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