Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
