She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
my being single is dangerous.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
