is your mom at the bar?
my phone needs a breathalizer
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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