dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
