The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
