I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
