dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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