no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
