Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Randomize
